Updated: Jun 10
What makes a person transgender is elusive to us at this point, but this is my story and why I transitioned and, how I went from feeling like a Lesbian Devil To a Straight Man Saint.
I don't believe Jesus Christ was the son of God, but that doesn't make me a version of their evil. I don't think children should be anywhere near surgery or hormones; I don't care how transgender they believe they are. I believe the LGBT community has bitch-slapped the entire world into being scared of anyone with opposing views to speak up. But, I understand the cause, the pain, and the generation after generation of misery that gays and lesbians have been put through.
I believe people are born gay, but I also think some are conditioned into same-sex attractions. I might have been manipulated to change my sex by an extremely religious Catholic woman that could not accept her sexuality, but that doesn't mean genuine transgender people are not walking among us.
There is no transgender cult, and the people that are spewing that are making themselves look crazy, and they are causing more damage. If they knew that kind of insane talk actually makes things worse.
You see, I have always been able to reach both sides; I was blessed with the ability to see both sides of situations. But, I didn't understand that inside of an organization, a belief, a person you hate is common ground and someone beautiful, and someone scared and someone that has something useful to say. I didn't understand the gravity of this until I transitioned.
Before I transitioned, I imagined I was known as the Lesbian Devil to Lynette's Catholic Family.
They wanted to do an intervention on a woman that finally understood why she never felt the love she saw her friends experience. Until me, she just went through the motions with her husband, hating her life and feeling numb only to come alive with that first sip of wine. She laughed and giggled and seemed like the happiest person, but once you got to know her, she was a sad person. Such a depressed person, a woman that looked like the sunshine of light, was the darkest human being I had ever met.
I listened to her phone calls with her family spewing hate, begging her to be cleansed and get rid of her demons, manipulating her with the thought of spending an eternity in hell for loving me. I can say that I hated those people, Lynette's people, with every fiber of my being. I just knew that they understood the torment they were causing for her and didn't care. I was convinced they only wanted the perfectly straight, beautiful Catholic woman to go back to a husband she didn't love, never loved, they didn't care that she was miserable, they didn't care that she couldn't breathe without me. They cared only for getting her back into a box that made them feel comfortable.
I transitioned to take that all away for her. I never met Lynette's family as a woman. I met them for the first time as Scott; Lesbian Devil to Straight Man Saint. I was so scared to meet them for the first time, and all I kept hearing was the torment I heard when Lynette was talking to them, and I wanted to hate them, I wanted to hate every last one of them and, I just knew I would.
But something happened.
My far reach to see both sides became vastly wider. I loved them, each one of them, I loved and still do. I watched them with their children, and I learned about their lives and experiences and the belief system they had, I began to understand why they felt the way they did. The experiences they had mixed in with the blessing of being born normal became who they were. They couldn't understand what Lynette was feeling; how could they. I loved them, and I still do, and I miss them, but I went from Lesbian Devil to Straight Man Saint to just something they laugh at while eating dinner, the weirdo transgender person; or at least that is what I think they say, maybe I made their reach a bit wider as well. Perhaps one of them is going to have an LGBT child, and I saved that child.
I remember the night like it just happened. I remember the feeling, the desperation. I wanted to save her from what she went through the years prior when she was trying to break free from the hold that her former life had on her. I wanted to save her from her soon to be ex-husband's phone calls that lasted for hours and hours pounding and pounding her with terror about how it was going to feel on her flesh when Satan burned her into a never-ending pit of fire. I wanted to save her from looking at me and being so in love but conflicted with the voices in her head.
I never in my life experienced someone that was told over and over repeatedly that he was not loved like a wife should love a husband and that she loved another and wanted another, but he refused to let go.
It was cruel.
Some in her family thought of it as a devoted Catholic man, but from the inside looking out, it was selfish and mean, he was breaking her down, and he knew it. He didn't care; he wanted her back; she filled a spot in his life that gave him comfort. He refused to lose, and he was willing to do what it took, even if the cost was ripping her limb from limb. He was going to do what he had to do to get what he wanted.
Lynette would start conversations with her husband on the phone standing, shoulders back, and ready to take on the challenge. Within 15 minutes, her body would wither into a ball in the corner of a room, and the confident woman resembled a child being browbeaten; it was awful to watch.
The dynamic was as if I was watching a child being scolded by her Dad. Lynette didn't speak; she just listened, nodded, and agreed with passive shrieks of acceptance. Lynette wasn't even able to talk, she just cowered and weathered the storm until Mark felt like his point was made and his opinion was accepted as the only truth.
It was a strange relationship she had with her ex-husband; it wasn't normal; it resembled the movie "The Truman Show." All the streets landscaped, the clothes pressed, but something was missing, and Truman knew that just as Lynette did.
Lynette had questioned her ex-husband's sexuality before they married but tossed it aside. He fit, he fit all the things she was told to look for in a man. They were not in love, and they had never been, and you don't miss what you never knew you had. So, the years went on, and Lynette continued to question his sexuality and found his characteristics off but never pushed because to discover someone on an intimate level, you must have the ability to be intimate. Intimacy was absent, always was with their marriage.
One morning as I was lying in bed, Lynette leaned over and rested her head on my chest. She looked at me, and I noticed how calm and at peace she was, loving me. Her eyes, her brown eyes, I have never understood how a simple color like brown could make eyes dance as she could with hers. As her breathing began to rhythm into sleep, something hit me.
SHE CAN'T DO IT!
These words crossed my eyes, and I jumped out of bed. It was at that moment that I knew that I had to leave her. I knew at that moment, Lynette would not be able to live an authentic life with me; she didn't have it in her and her husband and family were never going to let her live in peace. Staying with her was not the right thing to do for her, me, or her husband, for that matter.
I did my best and left the apartment. I tried to remain strong, but the texts from Lynette with pictures of hearts, or her intoxicating body would lure me to her bed. As she was packing to go back to her husband, she was seducing me, while going to marriage classes at night, she was making love to me during the day.
It was at this time I lost it, I couldn't take the lies, the deceit, everything was too much. I have never understood how Lynette could lie to everyone and it never got to her, for me it was something that broke me. I packed my family and moved 1000 miles away. I wanted Lynette, Lynette wanted me, but I knew it was never going to happen and I didn't want to put her through what I saw her husband doing. My intentions were good, but the reality was nothing how I wanted to act.
It had been two years since we ended our affair, and she went back to her husband. I was a mess in those two years. I would go from crying from missing her to insanely pissed off that she went back because I told her to. I knew deep down that no matter how much she loved me, how much she needed me, how much she wanted me, she was never going to be able to be authentic. I didn't want to torture her the same way, but differently than her husband and family had.
Authenticity has never been something Lynette has been able to achieve. Finely crafted lies to keep the nicely decorated life she created was a full-time job for her, and she was obsessed, and I have never been one to live unauthentic. Back then I was angry at Lynette for not breaking out of the box everyone had built for her. With new eyes I understand she did what she was able to do and, it didn't matter how much she loved me, she didn't have to tools to live life with the white light of transparency.
In the two years that we were apart, I survived, not well, but I survived. Every two to three months, Lynette would contact me and profess her love and tell me she was ready, and she was going to tell her husband and family she was a lesbian, and she was coming to me. The next day she would disappear; it was one of, if not the most painful times in my life. This all made me feel crazy. I would send texts obsessively asking is she was ok, concerned that something might have happened to her. Then her number would change, and I'd get a call from her best friend telling me she was going back to her husband, and they just left for some tropical vacation.
When she would do that to me, it felt abusive, cold, and it conditioned me to expect it. We were like children sneaking out of our house at night, and our parents would find us ground us from speaking to each other. I think back on this with a different mind, and I understand how cold this was for Lynette to do. She couldn't handle being with me, but she didn't want to lose me. Lynette cruelty was in the highest form, and I believe one of it, not the most significant reason our marriage didn't work. I was insanely angry with her, but I never expressed it, I swallowed it.
Lynette lead the dance, and both Mark and I followed, she was and has always been the single factor to all this pain. This got so bad that anytime Lynette would reach out to me, I would tell her husband. Of course, he didn't believe me, but I have never lied to Mark. I have been the only one who has never lied to him.
Some days I would open a bottle of wine just to finish it and wake up the next morning horrified with emails I would write to her husband about how awful he was. They were disgusting; no one deserves the words I would say to him. Somethings people just don't need to know, even if they are the truth. I didn't understand what he was going through; I didn't allow myself to see what Lynette and I were putting him through. He was fighting his truth; our truth was blind to him, and his was to us. Funny how that works when passion, anger, betrayal, love, hate, longing, and confusion get smashed together in one bite you must swallow.
Somewhere in my heart, I knew what Lynette was doing was wrong. She wanted me but didn't want anyone to know and was so focused on what others thought of her; she ripped apart two people and one that she professed to be heaven-sent to her. Ya me, crazy, huh?
After two years she came back to me, she finally left her husband, and I could tell something was different. This entire fiasco weighed heavily on us all, and her husband was pushed further than anyone should be, but we all were in different ways. He finally pushed back one night after too much to drink, and Lynette's face was where he lost it. He had never been physical with her before, but it was all too much. Her husband could tell she didn't want to be with him, she was there out of obligation, familiarity, to please her family, to fit in, to enjoy the more beautiful things money could buy. But not because she was in love with him.
When Lynette went back to Mark, he tried with all he had to bring passion to their marriage. He read all the right books, made all the right reservation, attempted all the right positions in life emotionally and physically, but the passion was never there. That is the crazy thing about the passionate side of love; you can't will it. A couple either has it, or they do not.
When she came back to me after that night, we both were exhausted. We just wanted to love each other, that's all. I had spent my whole life being judged as a lesbian, criticized, understanding that the first conversations with strangers that I wanted to get to know would eventually lead to the, "So, when did you know you were a lesbian." I was exhausted, Lynette was exhausted. Love can only take so much; love cannot conquer all; we are the proof. The night, the night I decided to transition was a decision that was made soon into our reunion. That night, I call it the night, because it was the night that changed everything, everything changed.
I was watching TV, and I heard Lynette talking with her son. Her son was getting married, and they were pregnant and expecting Lynette's first grandchild. Everyone was so excited; I could see it on Lynette's face when she would talk to anyone about the baby. Suddenly, the laughter stopped, and silence began. I yelled up the stairs
"Lynette, is everything ok."
No response, my face twinged with confusion, and I made my way to her. When I turned the corner to the bedroom, I saw her. Her face had lost all color and turned grey. I ran to her and grabbed her hands, and looked at her directly in the eyes, and she said
"What if they won't let me see my grandbaby."
My heart sank. I could not allow that to happen. That was the night I decided to transition, for her, for her children, for her family. I loved her that much. What I do know about this entire experience is that we were all at fault. I should have walked away eight to nine years ago and never let this start. Lynette should have faced her demons instead of emotionally ripping two people apart. Mark should have allowed Lynette to leave him in peace; she was not a possession that completed his perfectly decorated home. No one did the right thing, and I'm left with looking into the mirror every day, not knowing whose's reflection I am looking at.
If I was to sit down with Mark and talk to him, I bet I would understand that he is left with scars that he didn't deserve as well. Very few people in this world are evil; I am not one, Mark is not one, and Lynette is not one.
I am remorseful for many reasons; I did many things wrong, and they have eaten at me since the beginning. I was never able to express these to Lynette because through the whole process; it was always about her. Saving her, ensuring her lies were kept, I agreed to things like marriage counseling and camps understanding her and Mark were just attending so she could prove to him they were not in love and not meant for each other.
I agreed to the dates she would go on with Mark when we were living together to prove to him they were not good together. I had to sit in the apartment and wait for her to get back from these dates that Mark would plan to win her back. Mark didn't know it was all a ploy; it was cruel. This was awful to do someone, and I agreed to it, and it ate and ate at me and still does to this day.
The lies and deception and the amount I had to swallow to be with her were too much. It's a strange feeling looking at someone you love and wanting to scream at the top of your lungs, "Why did you do this to us, me and Mark? WHY!" Things I remember haunt me. The time I told her to go back to Mark initially and calling her to see when I could pick my stuff up from the apartment, and she giggled, "When we get another place, I am going to put up the pictures; you put too many holes in the walls." I wish at the time I could have told her,
"Lynette, that's cruel, do you know that?"
Do you know that you just want to keep me with you just enough so that you don't lose me? Telling me constantly that you know that God wants us together, and that's why you see so many hearts, and you send me those pictures. Do you know that's cruel? That's cruel to me, and that's cruel to Mark. Do you know it's cruel to Mark going back to him to prove to him that you guys aren't good together? Do you know that's cruel and wrong? It's cruel to tell me that you can't be in a relationship with a woman, but you can't be without me. Do you know these things, the cruelty?"
Looking back, I can see that Mark and I were played like a fiddle, both of us. The center point of the cruelty started with Lynette. The further I get away, the more remorse I feel and the tremendous sense of regret I have. The sorrow and remorse dial point the most to, Mark. Mark had no idea what was happening, and Lynette was not strong enough to be honest, if she was just honest from the beginning with herself, she would have never married Mark. Mark was a backup plan and always has been for Lynette, and the cruelty of that alone is astronomical.
Lynette wasted almost 10 years of my life, and she wasted even more of Mark's life by not being honest. Mark will always be Lynette's back up plan; he has the finances and experience she desires and as cruel as it is to say it; it's the truth. In all of this, I pray for Marks' happiness. However, it is that he finds it. Sure, he wasn't perfect who is, but he was blindsided, lied too, manipulated, and used. I hope Mark figures out who he is and what it takes for him to be happy, and I hope he finds it. If Mark were in front of me today, I would say one thing and one thing alone,
"I am sorry."
To Lynette: I would say I forgive you; I hope you find whatever you need to be happy in this life, but please be honest, it's the only way anyone ever finds peace. You might be surprised with how people you love will react. Give your family and children the opportunity to know who you are because they deserve the real Lynette. You have to stop lying to people to create a false reality, in the end all it does it hurt people.
In conclusion, I tell this story to help people understand that transgenderism has become reverse bigotry to gays and lesbians.
Although I have decided not to de-transition and I do have some points in a Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, it doesn't stop the fact that my decision to transition was due to homophobia.
It took the LGBT community 30 years to earn the trust from the society that we were not after their kids, that we did not want to turn anyone homosexual; we just wanted the same rights as others. Currently, homosexual children are being targeted by powerful pharmaceutical corporations and, vast revenue channels are being created to medically transition our homosexual youth. Being homosexual does not = being gender dysphoric. As far as you believe we have come with homophobia, we still have that far to go to get it right.
We cannot allow our children to transition because we refuse to accept homosexuality.
We are in a crazy time; if you step back from what we are doing to kids with understanding it's not about rights, it's about backward rights. As a parent and as someone who has medically transitioned, I am trying to warn you.
Gender Dysphoria is real, and some benefit from medical transitioning, but not many and not enough for this new medical revenue channel they have created with your children. We have to give kids time to grow up and understand who and what they are.
We DO NOT want homosexual children medically transitioning because of homophobia.
I read a quote on twitter recently that made me think;
"If I knew everyone's story, I would love and understand everyone."
I am the same as others, and I judge, and each day I have to sit back and re-align myself to understand this compelling quote.